Confessions Of A Conservative Coffee Privileged Pervert

June 7, 2020|Russell Volz|Humor & Satire

As I write this blog post, the MSM is covering, ad nauseum, of demonstrations against “White Privilege”. As heinous as “White Privilege” crime may seem to be, my crime is far worse. My personal self-loathing is so great, that I’m compelled to share it with you now. I am (sniff-sniff) a Conservative Coffee Privileged Pervert. There, I said it. It’s out there for all of you to judge me. And that’s OK. I well deserve your loathing. No matter how much you hate me for my coffee privilege, I loath myself even more.

Coffee Privileged Pervert

White Privilege protesters are mostly young white females, yet I’m even worse. I’m a white, educated, middle-aged, and the master coffee roaster for Lake City Coffee. I should know better.

Sadly, I sit here drinking the smoothest most flavorful coffee in the world, while two thirds of American’s drink burnt and bitter industrial coffee from the likes of liberal infused Charbucks, which tastes like horse piss. I should be ashamed of myself for being Coffee Privileged.

Oh, it’s not just that I’m Coffee Privileged, but I was born Coffee Privileged. I can trace my Coffee Privilege Pedigree back five generations. My ancestors bought green coffee beans and roasted it themselves when they emigrated to America.

Their naturally sweet coffee, was smooth as silk, and it wasn’t burnt. Did they share their home roasted coffee with other’s who unfortunately purchased their bitter and burnt industrial coffee? Nope. My ancestors compounded their sin by working hard, saving their money, and passing from one generation to the next the importance of being self-sufficient by roasting their own coffee.

A Coffee Thief

I am disgustingly loathing and here’s another example of how loathing I am. There once was was a man, who while sitting in the park, quietly drinking his coffee. He set down his paper coffee cup on the bench and left. I mean, what’s a coffee loving man to do? So, I walked over, picked up his half cup of coffee and woofed it down. I turned around and there he was behind me, holding two packets of half-n-half creamer. I was so ashamed that I ran away like little girl.

Even in this age of enlightenment, where “woke” people everywhere are searching for reasons to be self-loathing, I’m ashamed to say that I am not there yet. Yet, I’m working at it. Unfortunately, I love good smooth coffee. I know that by this point in my story you hate me for my good fortune of working hard, keeping to myself, saving my money, and paying my bills. Not surprisingly, you’ll truly hate me when I tell you that I’m actually proud of being Coffee Privileged.

The Coffee Blame Game

Yep, I like coffee. I like it a lot. And yes, I like being Coffee Privileged. Coffee has made me the man that I am today. Proud! Yep! I’m proud of who I am. I’m proud that my parents, and their parents before them, taught their children:

You should never feel sorry for myself
We should never blame others
And Never give up

So, yes I am Coffee Privileged. Hate me if you will, but coffee makes me feel good. It makes me feel good about myself. It even makes me feel better than those smug knuckleheads with their “Charbucks” coffee mugs.

The PC Coffee Police

I fully expect that if I ever get stuck in the Seattle airport that the “Coffee Privilege” police will arrest me, put me in chains, and coffee-board me with Charbucks.

I want to formally apologize to every disadvantage coffee drinker in the world. Yes, I’m a Coffee Advantaged person and although I don’t hate myself for it, I do feel sorry for you. Sure, not everyone can be Coffee Advantaged like me, but you can create your own advantage by making wise choices.

You too can do the same thing as Dr. Ben Carson. He wasn’t advantaged in any way, shape, and form, yet he’s pulled himself up by his own bootstraps (Like All True Americans). He didn’t feel sorry for himself, didn’t blame others, and he never quite. Now today, I’m sure that he doesn’t hate the Coffee Privileged or white people.

Screwgle’s Screw Up

As discreet as I try to be, Screwgle read one of my satires (see definition below) and decided that I was a Conservative Coffee Roaster and Lake City Coffee was a Conservative Coffee Company. Screwgle’s intent, I’m sure, was to kill our sales, but instead our sales soared. Thank you Screwgle.

Lake City Coffee

My wife Alisha and I (Russell) own and operate Lake City Coffee, a small mom-n-pop coffee roasting company. We ship our whole bean coffee all over the country to other coffee privileged perverts.

We specialize in the worlds smoothest home brewed whole bean coffee; Dark, Medium, White, and Decaf. You’d be hard pressed to find a smoother more tasteful whole bean coffee in the world. No brag. Just fact.

If you want proof, just check out our Review Page.