Although websites are supposed to have a Terms and Conditions page, few people ever really read them, and for good reason, they’re boring as hell. That’s why, I’ve never bothered, until yesterday. I thought, “Hey, the Terms and Conditions page is supposed to be ‘legally binding’ BS, so maybe this could be a good opportunity to express my perspective on this subject.” So, take heart and enjoy this, hopefully, entertaining legal document.
Warning
These terms and conditions outline the rules and regulations for the use of Lake City Coffee’s website. We expect that these terms and conditions will be offensive to many people and we hope that they are loved by a few. By accessing this website, you must accept these terms and conditions in full. Do not continue to use Lake City Coffee’s website if you do not accept all of the terms and conditions as stated on this page. In other words, if you don’t like what we say on this website, then go somewhere else.
Our Address
Since we are a 100% onIine-ecommerce business, our address is none of anyone’s business.
Incorporation
Lake City Coffee LLC is a licensed business in the free state of Idaho. We abide by the laws of this state and do our best to ignore the laws of our Federal Government Overlord. No, we’re not extremists, we just are well educated concerning the constitution of the United States. Our constitution was designed to limit the Federal Government. Unfortunately, today our Federal Government has illegally ignored nearly all of those constitutional limitations. It’s high time that they are put in their place.
Offensive Language
By using this website, you agree to not hold Lake City Coffee responsible for your hurt feelings. If you are offended by the truth (reality, not perception), then, again seek a reputable therapist. As Christians, we believe that if we’re not offending someone with the truth, then we’re not doing our jobs. So be warned, that LakeCityCoffee.com is replete with truth for which we hope to enlighten or offend, either way is up to you.
Non-Inclusive
Lake City Coffee LLC is an exclusive company selling only to male or female human customers, regardless of what gender or non-gender for which one may “identify”. If you’re looking for an “inclusive” coffee retailer, you won’t be happy with Lake City Coffee, therefore we recommend that you do not walk, but run to the nearest therapist. Then go to Charbucks for your “inclusive” coffee fix.
Cookies
As coffee roasters, we like cookies, especially macadamia and white chocolate chip cookies. It seems that cookies go well with coffee, much like how chocolate and wine go well together. As for website cookies, if you’re afraid of these types of cookies, again, we recommend leaving our website and go to Charbucks website, whom we’re quite certain will use cookies to track everything about you, including your identified sex as well as a ride to the nearest abortion clinic, which by the way should tell you that you’re a female. Just saying…
License
Unless otherwise stated, Lake City Coffee owns the intellectual property rights for all material on this site. All articles have been written by the company’s principals Russell or Alisha Volz, whom, by the way, are respectively a human male and a human female, which, by the way, are the only two genders that exist. If you wish to submit your comments or write an article, we encourage older folks to submit your writing via cursive script. Since most hackers are under the age of 30, they’ll think your cursive script is a type of indecipherable encryption.
User Rights & Responsibilities
Users have no rights. This country was founded on the commerce doctrine of “Buyer Be Ware”. Of course, for the last 100 years our federal judges have been actively creating law. Our constitution is quite clear that Judges do not make law. Therefore, your responsibility as a user is that if you don’t like what we say on our website, then go somewhere else. No one is forcing you to read our website.
Racially Neutral Coffee Beans
Lake City Coffee, along with its owners and employees don’t give a damn what the color of your skin may be. As far as we’re concerned, as long as God made you human and you’re drinking our coffee, then we will treat you no different than anyone else who enjoys our coffee. We at Lake CityCoffee strongly believe that the civil rights movement during the second half of the 20th century was very good for all Americans. The central theme of the civil rights movement was to make America color blind. Yet today’s ruling elite are obsession with color.
This is undoing all the progress we made over the last 60 years. Lake City Coffee is and will always remain color blind. Additionally, our coffee beans are also color blind. They don’t care what your race may be. Our beans will still taste as smooth and naturally sweet whether you’re white, black, red, or yellow. As long as you bleed red-white-and-blue, then we’re happy to sell our superior coffee to you. 
Geographically Privileged Customers
Lake City Coffee is not a global corporation. We sell our whole bean coffee exclusively to U.S. Citizens and legally documented aliens within the God given borders of the U.S.A.
Religious Intolerance
Alisha and I are Born Again Christians. If you are not, that’s perfectly fine with us. We’ll gladly sell our coffee to you anyway. We suggest that you hit your knees and thank God that you are still alive and still have time to seek the truth. LakeCityCoffee.com is replete with truth for which we hope to enlighten or offend; and once again, which of those options you choose is entirely up to you.
Gender Neutral Coffee Beans
Lake City Coffee uses gender neutral coffee beans. Our beans are selected, roasted, and shipped identically to both male and female customers. If you’re a human and expect different treatment because you identify with a gender for which you were not created by God, then again, you’re mentally sick and need a good healthy dose of reality and some serious therapy.
Non-Diversity
If you are looking for diversity, then you’re in the wrong place. Again, using this website, you agree to hold Lake City Coffee harmless if you’re offended by the truth. We are NOT diverse. We sell only one bean from Costa Rica and we sell only 3 roasts; Dark, Medium, and White. Yes, I said “white”. If that offends you, then see the “Offensive Language” section above.
Political Intolerance
Alisha and I are obviously serious conservatives. Unlike Black Rifle Coffee Company, we’re not just claiming to be conservatives so we can IPO for $1.7B. They then promptly lost many of their customers to us. As conservatives, we don’t care if you’re a flaming liberal as long as you’re drinking our coffee. As a customer of ours, I’m hopeful that we can agree to disagree and seek common ground. Then we can enjoy each other’s company and understand each other’s opinion.
Divisive Rhetoric
The truth is always divisive, dividing the right from the wrong; the sheep from the goats. If you use our website, then you agree not to hold Lake City Coffee, its owners, and employees liable for our divisive discussion of the truth, whether that truth is related to coffee, politics, religion, or sex. Why anyone would exclude these four of most important topics in life from level-headed discussion is beyond our understanding.
Pride Month
We at Lake City Coffee don’t need just one month to be damn proud of being Americans. As Americans we have a long history of success through a strong protestant work ethic, a willingness to take risks, and putting our trust in God. Real Americans should support real American companies.
We should avoid those companies and their products that support deviant and destructive lifestyles. We should also do our best to avoid products made by slave labor, e.g. anything made in China. Throughout a vast majority of our website, we attempt to not shove our world view down anyone’s throat, yet we don’t hide the truth under a basket either.
Disclaimer
To the maximum extent permitted by applicable law, if we offend you, then we don’t care. If you like what you read on this site, then God bless you and put your money where your mouth is (pun intended); i.e., buy our super smooth and naturally sweet coffee. Lake City Coffee does not extend any warranty or guarantee of our coffee. If you don’t like our coffee, then don’t buy it again. We are not liable for your lack of good taste.
We exclude all representations, warranties and conditions relating to our website and the use of this website (including, without limitation, any warranties implied by law in respect of satisfactory quality, fitness for purpose and/or the use of reasonable care and skill). In other words, don’t sue us for you spill your hot coffee in your lap while driving your car. To the extent that this website and the information and services on this website are provided free of charge, we will not be liable for any loss or damage of any nature. Use at your own risk.
Lake City Coffee
As owners of Lake City Coffee, Alisha and I (Russell) take full responsibility for this website and it’s content. If we have offended you, but you still want the smoothest and most naturally flavorful coffee on Earth, then you’re “still” in the right place. We won’t cram our world view down your thought, just our wonderful coffee.
On the other hand, if you tend to lean a bit to the right and want to support like minded American Patriotic Coffee Roasters, then we’d be very happy to serve you.
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